I admit it: I nursed Blake to sleep for 14 months. I know, I know...I KNOW...I wasn't supposed to do that. It's "wrong." Well guess what, when he was little I wanted to sleep too and he would fall asleep and, yay, I could sleep too. Then one thing led to another and one month led to the next and, yea, he was about 10 months old and I was still doing it. Then, because you can read anything you want on the Internet, I found some articles stating it wasn't bad so I just went with those articles that fit into my lifestyle and went on my way. Suddenly he wasn't falling asleep quickly when I nursed him at night anymore which is when I realized he was definitely ready to be fully weaned. So I weaned him gradually,(see my post on breastfeeding), and all went well.
Except that he kept taking longer, and longer, and longer to fall asleep at night. I used to love snuggling Blake before bed but snuggles turned into head butts and jumping on the bed and trying to dive off the bed. It wasn't fun for anyone. Something had to change but, nope, for the thousandth time, I'm not letting my kid cry it out. Fast forward a few weeks and I hit my breaking point. I was getting mad at my one year old for not going to sleep. Keith and I were getting beat up every night. It was taking Blake over an hour to fall asleep. We weren't happy and neither was he. I was so exhausted.
Night 1: I decided to put him in his crib and see what happened. After 5 minutes of screaming I went in intending to hug Blake and kiss him and then leave him. I hugged him and he was SO sweaty and I caved. I picked him up and brought him into our bedroom and cried. He fell asleep relatively quickly after that.
Night 2: I decided to try to go for 10 minutes. Could I last double the amount of time I lasted last night?! After about 30 seconds I texted our friend Carolyn and asked for reassurance that I'm not a bad mom since I know she went through this a few months ago. I proceed to give her a play by play for the next 25 minutes. I also texted my mom to tell her about the torture I was putting my child through. After 5 minutes I went in and hugged and kissed Blake and went to lay him back down. As I was laying him down I realized his pants fell down a little. When I went to pull them up I realized Blake was just standing there holding his pants. No problem...pants are over rated. He screamed some more and I went back in after another 5 minutes. His crying wasn't as bad and I wondered if I could make it longer. Then at 15 minutes I didn't even have to think about it because Blake stopped screaming and crying. He was just hanging out looking around. 10 minutes later he was fast asleep. I was shocked.
Night 3: My pediatrician assured me that I'm doing the right thing and I was ready for night 3. It gets better, right?! Or...maybe not. 45 minutes in Blake was still screaming. Why is this getting worse?! An hour in I was ready to cave. But then...I would have literally been torturing him because I would be teaching him that if he cried for long enough I would come. Not the intention. Thankfully PJ and Aly were over which kept me from staring miserably into the monitor for an hour. 10 minutes later Blake was quiet. I looked at the monitor and he fell asleep sitting up. That poor child was so exhausted that he finally passed out sitting there! 15 minutes later he was laying down normally.
I know this is for the greater good. For all of us. But the truth is, I'm really not ready for this. I LOVE waking up to Blake in the morning. I loved having that time with him when I was working and didn't have a lot of time with him during the day. I love that time at night when Blake just kisses us endlessly. I know this needs to happen because sleep is being lost. I know this is the right time for Blake. But I also cried for so many reasons. I cried because Blake is getting older. I cried because I'm going back to work soon and I want that time to snuggle him and it's gone. I cried because I don't care what anyone in the world tells me, and I don't care what I actually know to be true, a little part of me still feels like a terrible person. I cried because I said I would never, ever do this. And here I am. Partially relieved that things will get easier. Partially fearing I'm taking the easy way out when I've never done that in the past. And partially knowing that I need to throw my feelings out the window because this IS right. But Blake is my baby. My feelings are my feelings.
Night 4: I said good night to Blake and kissed him and he started crying just knowing we were leaving him. Heartbreaking. But...he stopped crying after 10 minutes. He was also really tired, but he was asleep in 20 minutes.
Blake only woke up one time in the middle of the night last night and cried pretty softly. (Sidebar: he also sort of lost his voice last night because he was super raspy this morning - poor thing.) I didn't go in at all and he fell right back asleep until 7:45 this morning. I found myself SO rested this morning. Most importantly though, I realized as the day progressed that I did not have anxiety thinking about bedtime. Yea, it was rough last night when he was screaming for an hour, but I can totally see the light now. I used to get so stressed worrying about how he was going to be and I feel like that is gone. That's so important because it allows me to be a better mom throughout the day. Also, a rested mom is a better mom.
Last night I practically cried myself to sleep over all the emotions I felt. Everything from worrying about Blake crying to anxiety about starting work again and leaving him to fear that he won't love me anymore. But, it all melted away when Blake woke up this morning smiling and kissing me. I still would never tell someone to do this though. People told me to do it months ago and I wasn't ready. You know what's right for you. Despite all my crying, I know that we have made the right decision.
Now let's hope I continue to feel that way. Keith can't deal with both of us crying every night.
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