I'll Miss You, Blake. Commence Crying.

I just put Blake to bed knowing that for the first time in months, I will not get to spend the day with him tomorrow. A few weeks ago I thought it would be easier this year since he is older. The closer it got, the more I realized that it would be even harder. It's harder because he knows more. If I run out to my car for a minute Blake bangs on the door for me. The thought of leaving him just breaks my heart.  Our mornings will not start like this anymore..

 

I know. "We've all been there." And, "It will be fine," and "You got to spend the entire summer with him." That's great, thanks. I will always wish I could spend every minute of every day with that sweet boy. Yes, I will survive. I'm clearly not the only mom who ever worked, and I'm extremely lucky to have had the entire summer with Blake. But, no, it doesn't make it any easier to go back. 

Of course I'm feeling like the summer flew by, but did it? Arizona feels so long ago. We did so much, and we watched our little boy grow SO much. I've written in this blog 15 times since school ended. I wish I wrote more, but I love the memories I have. I'm lucky to be able to share my summer with Keith as well. It's equally hard leaving him on the first day. We spend every minute together all summer and never get sick of each other. I'm glad I don't just have time with Blake over the summer, but that we have time as a family. We have done so much and had so many new experiences.

I'm trying to be positive knowing I can run home to Blake after school and we have a million fun things planned for the fall. I'm still sad. I am excited for this school year and the classes I'm teaching. But I'm still sad.

Tomorrow morning I'll drive away from my little Blake and cry. Hopefully not as hard as I cried on my first day last year when Keith brought Blake outside on the porch and waved Blake's little hand and I absolutely lost it. I sobbed so hard that I could hardly breathe. But I know I'll cry. I know because I'm crying thinking about it right now. Moms everywhere going back to work tomorrow - I feel your pain. And everyone else - don't tell us that it's fine, or it'll be fine. It will never be fine. It's just life.

Sleep Training - Who Cried More?!

I admit it: I nursed Blake to sleep for 14 months. I know, I know...I KNOW...I wasn't supposed to do that. It's "wrong." Well guess what, when he was little I wanted to sleep too and he would fall asleep and, yay, I could sleep too. Then one thing led to another and one month led to the next and, yea, he was about 10 months old and I was still doing it. Then, because you can read anything you want on the Internet, I found some articles stating it wasn't bad so I just went with those articles that fit into my lifestyle and went on my way. Suddenly he wasn't falling asleep quickly when I nursed him at night anymore which is when I realized he was definitely ready to be fully weaned. So I weaned him gradually,(see my post on breastfeeding), and all went well. 

Except that he kept taking longer, and longer, and longer to fall asleep at night. I used to love snuggling Blake before bed but snuggles turned into head butts and jumping on the bed and trying to dive off the bed. It wasn't fun for anyone. Something had to change but, nope, for the thousandth time, I'm not letting my kid cry it out. Fast forward a few weeks and I hit my breaking point. I was getting mad at my one year old for not going to sleep. Keith and I were getting beat up every night. It was taking Blake over an hour to fall asleep. We weren't happy and neither was he. I was so exhausted. 

Night 1: I decided to put him in his crib and see what happened. After 5 minutes of screaming I went in intending to hug Blake and kiss him and then leave him. I hugged him and he was SO sweaty and I caved. I picked him up and brought him into our bedroom and cried. He fell asleep relatively quickly after that. 

Night 2: I decided to try to go for 10 minutes. Could I last double the amount of time I lasted last night?! After about 30 seconds I texted our friend Carolyn and asked for reassurance that I'm not a bad mom since I know she went through this a few months ago. I proceed to give her a play by play for the next 25 minutes. I also texted my mom to tell her about the torture I was putting my child through. After 5 minutes I went in and hugged and kissed Blake and went to lay him back down. As I was laying him down I realized his pants fell down a little. When I went to pull them up I realized Blake was just standing there holding his pants. No problem...pants are over rated. He screamed some more and I went back in after another 5 minutes. His crying wasn't as bad and I wondered if I could make it longer. Then at 15 minutes I didn't even have to think about it because Blake stopped screaming and crying. He was just hanging out looking around. 10 minutes later he was fast asleep. I was shocked. 

Night 3: My pediatrician assured me that I'm doing the right thing and I was ready for night 3. It gets better, right?! Or...maybe not.  45 minutes in Blake was still screaming. Why is this getting worse?! An hour in I was ready to cave. But then...I would have literally been torturing him because I would be teaching him that if he cried for long enough I would come. Not the intention. Thankfully PJ and Aly were over which kept me from staring miserably into the monitor for an hour.  10 minutes later Blake was quiet. I looked at the monitor and he fell asleep sitting up. That poor child was so exhausted that he finally passed out sitting there! 15 minutes later he was laying down normally. 

 

I know this is for the greater good. For all of us. But the truth is, I'm really not ready for this. I LOVE waking up to Blake in the morning. I loved having that time with him when I was working and didn't have a lot of time with him during the day. I love that time at night when Blake just kisses us endlessly. I know this needs to happen because sleep is being lost. I know this is the right time for Blake. But I also cried for so many reasons. I cried because Blake is getting older. I cried because I'm going back to work soon and I want that time to snuggle him and it's gone. I cried because I don't care what anyone in the world tells me, and I don't care what I actually know to be true, a little part of me still feels like a terrible person. I cried because I said I would never, ever do this. And here I am. Partially relieved that things will get easier. Partially fearing I'm taking the easy way out when I've never done that in the past. And partially knowing that I need to throw my feelings out the window because this IS right. But Blake is my baby. My feelings are my feelings. 

Night 4: I said good night to Blake and kissed him and he started crying just knowing we were leaving him. Heartbreaking. But...he stopped crying after 10 minutes. He was also really tired, but he was asleep in 20 minutes.

Blake only woke up one time in the middle of the night last night and cried pretty softly. (Sidebar: he also sort of lost his voice last night because he was super raspy this morning - poor thing.) I didn't go in at all and he fell right back asleep until 7:45 this morning. I found myself SO rested this morning. Most importantly though, I realized as the day progressed that I did not have anxiety thinking about bedtime. Yea, it was rough last night when he was screaming for an hour, but I can totally see the light now. I used to get so stressed worrying about how he was going to be and I feel like that is gone. That's so important because it allows me to be a better mom throughout the day. Also, a rested mom is a better mom.  

Last night I practically cried myself to sleep over all the emotions I felt. Everything from worrying about Blake crying to anxiety about starting work again and leaving him to fear that he won't love me anymore. But, it all melted away when Blake woke up this morning smiling and kissing me. I still would never tell someone to do this though. People told me to do it months ago and I wasn't ready. You know what's right for you. Despite all my crying, I know that we have made the right decision.

Now let's hope I continue to feel that way. Keith can't deal with both of us crying every night.

Who Needs Toys? We Wave To Cars!

I'm behind again. Seriously though, it really is because we are too busy having fun. I finish each day more exhausted than Blake. (Ok for real though, the amount this kid fights sleeping is just impressive.) Still, I'm annoyed. I'm trying to preserve memories. I wonder how some people keep up with their blogs so well with kids. I'm busy WITH Blake, not busy writing about him. Well, usually I'm with him. Last week I went zip lining with my dad and came back to a text with this photo:

 

Anyway, PSA of the day: Adventure Aquarium in Camden is FREE for teachers for the summer. Not only is it free for you, but it's free for a guest as well. I can't take credit for finding this. My cousin invited us and told us about the deal. It saved us $56 and Blake had a blast. We had visited the aquarium back in November when Blake was only 6 months but this time he was totally into it. Blake also got to see his adorable baby cousin, Reid. 

 

Blake got taller. How do I know this without measuring him? I know because he is now reaching things he previously could not reach. Which is, clearly, awesome! (Minus the awesome part...) He also just recently really figured out the whole climbing thing. He used to just climb onto things. Now he empties things, moves them where he wants, and uses them to get to areas previously unreachable. Again, I'm not even mad...it's just impressive.

My soon to be cousin-in-law was here last weekend and she works for Baked By Melissa  She brought a ton of cupcakes and they were amazing. Guess who liked them even more than me?! Now don't go talking about me feeding my kid cupcakes. First of all, we don't give Blake sweets all the time. Secondly, they are teeny tiny and perfect for Blake. I think the PB&J was his favorite. He loved them so much that he would bang on the fridge until someone opened it for him. As soon as the fridge was open he would scan the contents quickly and start pointing at the cupcakes. He's a man who knows what he wants. I respect that.

Taylor Swift still calms Blake, but so does waving at cars on River Road. Blake points to the corner and loves to walk over and wave at cars. He loves the busses and trucks and Keith has been teaching him how to ask for a honk from trucks. It's so funny how many people wave and smile and honk to make a little boy happy. Blake would stand there all day if we let him. It's also funny what I get choked up about. I don't know why. The dumbest things ever will make me tear up. We were out to breakfast a couple weeks ago and the train came. Blake was waiting for the train and kept pointing to the gates. When they finally came down he was so excited and I started to tear up a little. Same thing happened when I saw Blake ask a truck to honk and the truck driver gave Blake a ton of honks. WHY AM I TEARING UP FOR THIS?! I think it's just a sign of Blake getting older. It's the whole concept of him GETTING things. Understanding the world around him. Watching my baby grow up is honestly amazing. Things that seem so insignificant aren't. Speaking of growing up, Blake is wearing big boy PJ's. 

 

I need to try to set aside time to write when Blake goes to sleep. Time flies and I want to spend every second I can with Blake while still having memories to look back upon.  I'll leave you with a photo of Blake's new haircut.

 

The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

As I pulled our Radio Flyer ATW loaded up with Blake, cooler, towels, beach toys, etc from the lake the other day I exclaimed, “This wagon is the best thing that ever happened to me!”  Then on second thought I turned to a combo Keith/Blake and said, “No offense.”  Keith laughed because, truthfully, I think he realized that he was not singlehandedly carrying as much as our wagon can.  Wagon wins.  I love that wagon.  If there is one thing you need for the beach with a baby…that wagon is it.  Forget the beach cart.  You can’t put your one year old in it.

We’ve been pretty busy since we’ve been back, but time hasn’t gone too quickly.  I finally got around to doing one of the things I’ve been saying I was going to do for a while.  I asked my dad to help me make Blake a growth chart which resulted in my dad making Blake a growth chart.  I did contribute slightly.  I lined the inch and half inch marks with paint marker.  It’s so beautiful though.  I love it and it’s exactly what I wanted.  We’ve already gotten comments about our “wishful thinking” with the height going past 6 feet.  The wood was leftover from the wood I purchased for our wedding signs a few years ago.  It’s 100 years old so it has some character.  The numbers are stainless steel house numbers and I used an oil paint pen to make the inch and half inch marks.  I can’t wait to keep adding to the chart, but at the same time I want Blake to stay tiny forever!

We spent the last week having fun every day.  I can’t believe we’ve only been home just over a week.  I know I’m really behind so here’s a quick recap of our week.  I need to be better about keeping current because I fear I’m falling into old habits of procrastination.  Our week consisted of the zoo, carousel, lake, visiting our friends Justin and Kellie and their adorable son, River, peach picking and the petting zoo at Demarest farms.

Last Tuesday we decided at the last minute to drive into the city and go to the Lobster Boat – The North River Lobster Company.   I almost regretted suggesting we go there when parking garages in the area were quoting me $60 for TWO HOURS.  Even for NYC, that’s insane.  Fortunately when I was about to give up we scored a spot on the street ONE BLOCK away from the boat.  It was SO empty on a Tuesday and we got there for the first sailing.  If you’ve never been there, it’s a bar/restaurant on a boat.  You walk on for free and they have scheduled 45 minute sails every day on the Hudson.  The views are beautiful. We had a drink, went for a sail, and headed back home.  Blake LOVED the boat.  It was a perfect amount of time for Blake and it was something very different for him as well.  On the way home we stopped at Van Saun Park and hopped on the train since it was closed on Monday because, why not!?

Last night 4 of my former students came over and hung out with us before they leave for college.  I loved having them over and I’m so lucky to have students I’ve gotten to know so well throughout the past 5 years who WANT to see me still!  As much as I loved having them here, Blake loved them more.  He had so much fun with them.  I let Blake stay up later than usual and they tired him out so much that he fell asleep in 10 minutes as opposed to his normal hour.  Girls, come back and tire Blake out whenever you want! 

We have so many fun plans with friends this week.  I don’t care what anyone says – the summer is far from over!