The Past 2 Months - Sparknote Version

I think about writing all the time.  The problem is finding the time to sit down and write.  Finding a time that isn’t 8PM right after we’ve put Blake to sleep and I just want to collapse.  The truth is, volleyball season has been exhausting for me.  It’s exhausting for Keith, too, but it’s a different kind of exhausting.  Volleyball means lots of late nights for Keith, which means lots of long afternoons after work for me.  I’ve missed the last, umm...2 months or so of updates and the entire reason I started this blog was for memories.  I need to get back into it.  It’s like anything though.  The more time passes, the harder it is to get back into it.  It’s not going to get easier when swim season starts, but I need to prioritize.  

Many people have asked me lately if I am still coaching.  When I say that I am, I get a lot of, “Really, with a baby???” As if, what...I’m not a good mom because I coach?  Because I should be at home taking care of my baby?  I know people don’t always mean anything by it.  That’s why I don’t say anything back.  But it bothers me.  It bothers me for a lot of reasons.  I’m the farthest from a feminist, but how come no one asks my husband how HE can coach with a baby at home?  I coached last season with a 6 month old.  Practice was late at night and early in the morning.  When my son was sleeping anyway.  I still breastfed him.  I pumped on the way to meets.  I fed him in the car on a break in the middle of our league meet.  I woke up 30 minutes early for 6AM Saturday morning practices to pump so that Blake would have a fresh bottle if he woke up before I got home.  I never missed a thing with my son, and I also never sacrificed a thing for my team.  You can do both.  This year my team will be practicing at 5:30AM 4 days a week.  My son will be sleeping.  We have 8 meets.  My husband has about 28 volleyball games.  No one says a word to him.  Nor should they.  But why ask me how I manage to do it?  I do it because I love coaching and I love my team.  I would never coach for the money, but the money allows me to spend the entire summer with my son instead of having to work then, too.  I love being a mom, and I love Blake more than anything, but I’m allowed to love coaching too.

We’ve had a busy couple of months.  Weekdays = lots of volleyball games.  Blake is, arguably, the JV Volleyball team’s biggest fan.  He travels to every game he can and makes a lot of noise in the gym.  Not cheering, just making noise.  Lots of noise.  We went apple picking, pumpkin picking, then went pumpkin picking again, baked an apple pie…

We went to Sesame Place for free.  That’s right, free!  If you are a teacher you are eligible to receive a free teacher pass good through 2017 as long as you visit once before 10/31.  All you have to do is fill a form out online and bring it along with your teaching certification.  Blake is free because he’s under 2 so it saved us a ton of money.  We went before Blake actually watched Sesame Street which was fine because I knew he would love the rides.  He did.  I was worried about the long lines, and it was a challenge waiting on lines with Blake, but the second the ride started moving he completely forgot about the line and smiled ear to ear.  He was also matching Corinne, thanks to Carolyn.

Since then Blake has started to watch Sesame Street and he loves Elmo and Big Bird.  He also has a little Elmo that he carries around with him.  Another thing Blake LOVES is the Sesame Street ABC’s.  He smiles as soon as we put it on, and there’s worse things than Blake listening to the ABC’s a thousand times.  Of course, I haven’t gotten that song out of my head in two weeks.  If you’ve never heard it, search it on YouTube, you’ll thank me later.  You know what, here it is...just watch it.  

And while you’re at it, Elmo’s Song is pretty good too…

This past weekend we FINALLY went to the Great Jack O’Lantern Blaze.  I’ve been wanting to go for years and it’s always sold out by the time I think to buy tickets.  I wasn’t messing around this year.  I set an alert in my calendar to purchase tickets the day they went on sale.  It was insane.  It was everything I hoped it would be.  Blake didn’t really understand what he was seeing but he sat in his stroller with his elephant and ate the entire time, so he was happy.  He’s become super interested in stuffed animals all of a sudden.  I think it’s adorable how he wants to bring Kermit, Elmo and his elephant everywhere.  

We also went to Zoo Boo with the Camp’s on Sunday and Blake was Clark Kent.  I carried him through the entire zoo because he didn’t want to stay in the wagon and he walks in the wrong direction at all times.  Walking around with an extra 25 pounds is exhausting, but I’d like to think my biceps are looking pretty good now.  Plus Blake doesn’t eat candy yet so Keith and I have a bag of candy to divide and conquer.

I’ve got this...I’ve totally got this.  I’ll be up at 4AM, on a bus (hopefully, long story) with 30 high school kids 4 days a week.  That’s over 4 hours a week sitting on bus - I have to have time to write!  

I'll Miss You, Blake. Commence Crying.

I just put Blake to bed knowing that for the first time in months, I will not get to spend the day with him tomorrow. A few weeks ago I thought it would be easier this year since he is older. The closer it got, the more I realized that it would be even harder. It's harder because he knows more. If I run out to my car for a minute Blake bangs on the door for me. The thought of leaving him just breaks my heart.  Our mornings will not start like this anymore..

 

I know. "We've all been there." And, "It will be fine," and "You got to spend the entire summer with him." That's great, thanks. I will always wish I could spend every minute of every day with that sweet boy. Yes, I will survive. I'm clearly not the only mom who ever worked, and I'm extremely lucky to have had the entire summer with Blake. But, no, it doesn't make it any easier to go back. 

Of course I'm feeling like the summer flew by, but did it? Arizona feels so long ago. We did so much, and we watched our little boy grow SO much. I've written in this blog 15 times since school ended. I wish I wrote more, but I love the memories I have. I'm lucky to be able to share my summer with Keith as well. It's equally hard leaving him on the first day. We spend every minute together all summer and never get sick of each other. I'm glad I don't just have time with Blake over the summer, but that we have time as a family. We have done so much and had so many new experiences.

I'm trying to be positive knowing I can run home to Blake after school and we have a million fun things planned for the fall. I'm still sad. I am excited for this school year and the classes I'm teaching. But I'm still sad.

Tomorrow morning I'll drive away from my little Blake and cry. Hopefully not as hard as I cried on my first day last year when Keith brought Blake outside on the porch and waved Blake's little hand and I absolutely lost it. I sobbed so hard that I could hardly breathe. But I know I'll cry. I know because I'm crying thinking about it right now. Moms everywhere going back to work tomorrow - I feel your pain. And everyone else - don't tell us that it's fine, or it'll be fine. It will never be fine. It's just life.

Sleep Training - Who Cried More?!

I admit it: I nursed Blake to sleep for 14 months. I know, I know...I KNOW...I wasn't supposed to do that. It's "wrong." Well guess what, when he was little I wanted to sleep too and he would fall asleep and, yay, I could sleep too. Then one thing led to another and one month led to the next and, yea, he was about 10 months old and I was still doing it. Then, because you can read anything you want on the Internet, I found some articles stating it wasn't bad so I just went with those articles that fit into my lifestyle and went on my way. Suddenly he wasn't falling asleep quickly when I nursed him at night anymore which is when I realized he was definitely ready to be fully weaned. So I weaned him gradually,(see my post on breastfeeding), and all went well. 

Except that he kept taking longer, and longer, and longer to fall asleep at night. I used to love snuggling Blake before bed but snuggles turned into head butts and jumping on the bed and trying to dive off the bed. It wasn't fun for anyone. Something had to change but, nope, for the thousandth time, I'm not letting my kid cry it out. Fast forward a few weeks and I hit my breaking point. I was getting mad at my one year old for not going to sleep. Keith and I were getting beat up every night. It was taking Blake over an hour to fall asleep. We weren't happy and neither was he. I was so exhausted. 

Night 1: I decided to put him in his crib and see what happened. After 5 minutes of screaming I went in intending to hug Blake and kiss him and then leave him. I hugged him and he was SO sweaty and I caved. I picked him up and brought him into our bedroom and cried. He fell asleep relatively quickly after that. 

Night 2: I decided to try to go for 10 minutes. Could I last double the amount of time I lasted last night?! After about 30 seconds I texted our friend Carolyn and asked for reassurance that I'm not a bad mom since I know she went through this a few months ago. I proceed to give her a play by play for the next 25 minutes. I also texted my mom to tell her about the torture I was putting my child through. After 5 minutes I went in and hugged and kissed Blake and went to lay him back down. As I was laying him down I realized his pants fell down a little. When I went to pull them up I realized Blake was just standing there holding his pants. No problem...pants are over rated. He screamed some more and I went back in after another 5 minutes. His crying wasn't as bad and I wondered if I could make it longer. Then at 15 minutes I didn't even have to think about it because Blake stopped screaming and crying. He was just hanging out looking around. 10 minutes later he was fast asleep. I was shocked. 

Night 3: My pediatrician assured me that I'm doing the right thing and I was ready for night 3. It gets better, right?! Or...maybe not.  45 minutes in Blake was still screaming. Why is this getting worse?! An hour in I was ready to cave. But then...I would have literally been torturing him because I would be teaching him that if he cried for long enough I would come. Not the intention. Thankfully PJ and Aly were over which kept me from staring miserably into the monitor for an hour.  10 minutes later Blake was quiet. I looked at the monitor and he fell asleep sitting up. That poor child was so exhausted that he finally passed out sitting there! 15 minutes later he was laying down normally. 

 

I know this is for the greater good. For all of us. But the truth is, I'm really not ready for this. I LOVE waking up to Blake in the morning. I loved having that time with him when I was working and didn't have a lot of time with him during the day. I love that time at night when Blake just kisses us endlessly. I know this needs to happen because sleep is being lost. I know this is the right time for Blake. But I also cried for so many reasons. I cried because Blake is getting older. I cried because I'm going back to work soon and I want that time to snuggle him and it's gone. I cried because I don't care what anyone in the world tells me, and I don't care what I actually know to be true, a little part of me still feels like a terrible person. I cried because I said I would never, ever do this. And here I am. Partially relieved that things will get easier. Partially fearing I'm taking the easy way out when I've never done that in the past. And partially knowing that I need to throw my feelings out the window because this IS right. But Blake is my baby. My feelings are my feelings. 

Night 4: I said good night to Blake and kissed him and he started crying just knowing we were leaving him. Heartbreaking. But...he stopped crying after 10 minutes. He was also really tired, but he was asleep in 20 minutes.

Blake only woke up one time in the middle of the night last night and cried pretty softly. (Sidebar: he also sort of lost his voice last night because he was super raspy this morning - poor thing.) I didn't go in at all and he fell right back asleep until 7:45 this morning. I found myself SO rested this morning. Most importantly though, I realized as the day progressed that I did not have anxiety thinking about bedtime. Yea, it was rough last night when he was screaming for an hour, but I can totally see the light now. I used to get so stressed worrying about how he was going to be and I feel like that is gone. That's so important because it allows me to be a better mom throughout the day. Also, a rested mom is a better mom.  

Last night I practically cried myself to sleep over all the emotions I felt. Everything from worrying about Blake crying to anxiety about starting work again and leaving him to fear that he won't love me anymore. But, it all melted away when Blake woke up this morning smiling and kissing me. I still would never tell someone to do this though. People told me to do it months ago and I wasn't ready. You know what's right for you. Despite all my crying, I know that we have made the right decision.

Now let's hope I continue to feel that way. Keith can't deal with both of us crying every night.

Who Needs Toys? We Wave To Cars!

I'm behind again. Seriously though, it really is because we are too busy having fun. I finish each day more exhausted than Blake. (Ok for real though, the amount this kid fights sleeping is just impressive.) Still, I'm annoyed. I'm trying to preserve memories. I wonder how some people keep up with their blogs so well with kids. I'm busy WITH Blake, not busy writing about him. Well, usually I'm with him. Last week I went zip lining with my dad and came back to a text with this photo:

 

Anyway, PSA of the day: Adventure Aquarium in Camden is FREE for teachers for the summer. Not only is it free for you, but it's free for a guest as well. I can't take credit for finding this. My cousin invited us and told us about the deal. It saved us $56 and Blake had a blast. We had visited the aquarium back in November when Blake was only 6 months but this time he was totally into it. Blake also got to see his adorable baby cousin, Reid. 

 

Blake got taller. How do I know this without measuring him? I know because he is now reaching things he previously could not reach. Which is, clearly, awesome! (Minus the awesome part...) He also just recently really figured out the whole climbing thing. He used to just climb onto things. Now he empties things, moves them where he wants, and uses them to get to areas previously unreachable. Again, I'm not even mad...it's just impressive.

My soon to be cousin-in-law was here last weekend and she works for Baked By Melissa  She brought a ton of cupcakes and they were amazing. Guess who liked them even more than me?! Now don't go talking about me feeding my kid cupcakes. First of all, we don't give Blake sweets all the time. Secondly, they are teeny tiny and perfect for Blake. I think the PB&J was his favorite. He loved them so much that he would bang on the fridge until someone opened it for him. As soon as the fridge was open he would scan the contents quickly and start pointing at the cupcakes. He's a man who knows what he wants. I respect that.

Taylor Swift still calms Blake, but so does waving at cars on River Road. Blake points to the corner and loves to walk over and wave at cars. He loves the busses and trucks and Keith has been teaching him how to ask for a honk from trucks. It's so funny how many people wave and smile and honk to make a little boy happy. Blake would stand there all day if we let him. It's also funny what I get choked up about. I don't know why. The dumbest things ever will make me tear up. We were out to breakfast a couple weeks ago and the train came. Blake was waiting for the train and kept pointing to the gates. When they finally came down he was so excited and I started to tear up a little. Same thing happened when I saw Blake ask a truck to honk and the truck driver gave Blake a ton of honks. WHY AM I TEARING UP FOR THIS?! I think it's just a sign of Blake getting older. It's the whole concept of him GETTING things. Understanding the world around him. Watching my baby grow up is honestly amazing. Things that seem so insignificant aren't. Speaking of growing up, Blake is wearing big boy PJ's. 

 

I need to try to set aside time to write when Blake goes to sleep. Time flies and I want to spend every second I can with Blake while still having memories to look back upon.  I'll leave you with a photo of Blake's new haircut.

 

The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

As I pulled our Radio Flyer ATW loaded up with Blake, cooler, towels, beach toys, etc from the lake the other day I exclaimed, “This wagon is the best thing that ever happened to me!”  Then on second thought I turned to a combo Keith/Blake and said, “No offense.”  Keith laughed because, truthfully, I think he realized that he was not singlehandedly carrying as much as our wagon can.  Wagon wins.  I love that wagon.  If there is one thing you need for the beach with a baby…that wagon is it.  Forget the beach cart.  You can’t put your one year old in it.

We’ve been pretty busy since we’ve been back, but time hasn’t gone too quickly.  I finally got around to doing one of the things I’ve been saying I was going to do for a while.  I asked my dad to help me make Blake a growth chart which resulted in my dad making Blake a growth chart.  I did contribute slightly.  I lined the inch and half inch marks with paint marker.  It’s so beautiful though.  I love it and it’s exactly what I wanted.  We’ve already gotten comments about our “wishful thinking” with the height going past 6 feet.  The wood was leftover from the wood I purchased for our wedding signs a few years ago.  It’s 100 years old so it has some character.  The numbers are stainless steel house numbers and I used an oil paint pen to make the inch and half inch marks.  I can’t wait to keep adding to the chart, but at the same time I want Blake to stay tiny forever!

We spent the last week having fun every day.  I can’t believe we’ve only been home just over a week.  I know I’m really behind so here’s a quick recap of our week.  I need to be better about keeping current because I fear I’m falling into old habits of procrastination.  Our week consisted of the zoo, carousel, lake, visiting our friends Justin and Kellie and their adorable son, River, peach picking and the petting zoo at Demarest farms.

Last Tuesday we decided at the last minute to drive into the city and go to the Lobster Boat – The North River Lobster Company.   I almost regretted suggesting we go there when parking garages in the area were quoting me $60 for TWO HOURS.  Even for NYC, that’s insane.  Fortunately when I was about to give up we scored a spot on the street ONE BLOCK away from the boat.  It was SO empty on a Tuesday and we got there for the first sailing.  If you’ve never been there, it’s a bar/restaurant on a boat.  You walk on for free and they have scheduled 45 minute sails every day on the Hudson.  The views are beautiful. We had a drink, went for a sail, and headed back home.  Blake LOVED the boat.  It was a perfect amount of time for Blake and it was something very different for him as well.  On the way home we stopped at Van Saun Park and hopped on the train since it was closed on Monday because, why not!?

Last night 4 of my former students came over and hung out with us before they leave for college.  I loved having them over and I’m so lucky to have students I’ve gotten to know so well throughout the past 5 years who WANT to see me still!  As much as I loved having them here, Blake loved them more.  He had so much fun with them.  I let Blake stay up later than usual and they tired him out so much that he fell asleep in 10 minutes as opposed to his normal hour.  Girls, come back and tire Blake out whenever you want! 

We have so many fun plans with friends this week.  I don’t care what anyone says – the summer is far from over!    

Sippy Cups Are For Wine

I’m so out of touch with everything and I know it’s been days, so here’s a (somewhat) brief numbered list of things that have happened lately:

1. Blake has been a little challenging at restaurants.  I think eating out every night is starting to take a toll on him.  I no longer grab my diaper bag and head out the door with him.  I have to make sure every little thing is packed.  The least of which is diapers because, honestly, if Blake goes through more than 2 diapers while we are at dinner, it’s definitely time to go home.  But still, I’m that mom.  My diaper bag is overflowing with toys and books and fruit for Blake to eat before his food arrives because he is a little chubby bunny.

2. I’m going to tell this story in far fewer words that it warrants, but here it is.  Blake isn’t talking yet but he thinks he is.  He does understand everything we say though.  He screams as a form of communication wherever he goes.  We try to get him to stop, but it isn’t always possible.  Especially when he gets excited at dinner. Last night we went out and there was a small pool in the restaurant.  Blake was freaking out because all he wanted was to go in the pool.  I promised him we would swim when we got home after dinner.  He kept screaming and a woman across the restaurant screamed, “SHUT UP!”  Excuse me, did you just scream at my one year old to SHUT UP!!?!? I glared at her and she barely apologized telling me she thought it was a bird.  Sure, lady.  For some reason I just took Blake outside with me for a walk and ignored her.  Sometimes my self control surprises me.  I was kind of mad at myself for not saying anything, but I guess that’s part of being a parent.  Setting good examples for your kids.  Being the bigger person. Not dumping the nasty old woman in the pool and hoping she can’t swim. We did take Blake swimming when we got home, as promised.

3. A couple nights ago we were in a restaurant we love but it was about a million degrees.  Maybe 2 million.  If you know me, you know I’m always cold.  If I’m complaining about the heat, it’s hot.  We were about to leave my parents with the check when we realized Keith had an entire glass of wine.  No problem.  Pour Blake’s water out of his sippy cup.  Quickly pour wine into sippy cup.  Run.  Moral of the story: always travel with a sippy cup.

4. Blake has been skinny dipping at every beach we’ve been to.  He loves it. I would too if I had to wear diapers all the time.

5. Blake went on a boat for the first time.  It was only 10 minutes but he was very excited.  He got a seat right on the side and waved to everything along the way. Boats, birds, people, absolutely nothing, etc. Speaking of boats Blake freaked out when the ice cream boat arrived at Pinel Island. Or maybe that was me.  I may have announced at 9 AM that “THE ICE CREAM BOAT BETTER COME HERE TODAY!” Either way, do you think I shared with him?

6. As previously mentioned, Blake isn’t talking, but he does do some pretty sweet animal sounds.  So far, he does a cow: “Mmmmm,” a monkey (insert screech noise...I have no idea how to spell a monkey noise), an owl “Hoo hoo hoo” (that’s also his noise for any bird whatsoever), and a fish (he takes his finger and runs it over his lips like a bubble noise...again...no clue how to write that).  It’s pretty cute though, and it’s been a pretty big hit with waitresses here.

7. No one here knows who we are but everyone knows Blake.  We were reading the other day by the pool while Blake was napping and the pool bartender walked by and asked where Blake was.  Then he walks by her today and she goes, “Hi Blake!” and tells everyone at the bar that he’s her little boyfriend Blake.  I don’t worry about him making friends.

8. Keith’s “Husband Goal” for vacation was to make sure I had enough free time to read one book. Pre-Blake I’d read about 10.  I’m happy to announce that I’m on book number 2.  Thank you my sweet husband! My students, are you still reading this!? #relationshipgoals

9. St. Maarten definitely is the “Friendly Island.”  Last night at dinner Keith wasn’t with us because he was doing a night dive.  The restaurant had no high chairs and the seats were not compatible with Blake’s travel high chair.  Blake was happy sitting on our laps, but it’s not easy to eat with Blake in your lap unless you want half of it to end up in his lap.  The waitress brought us our meals and took Blake.  She kept him entertained the entire time we ate our meals.  Walking around, visiting the kitchen, waving at cars, dancing...you name it, they did it.  When we were finished he was returned and a nice tip was left.  I can’t explain the feeling of eating a hot meal and not sharing it.  It REALLY is the little things in life.  Thank you, Brigitte!

10. I love you all at home, but I am NOT ready to come home.  Blake loves the ocean more each day here and I could watch him splash around in the ocean and play in the sand forever.  He’s even started wearing bandanas like Keith and I’m obsessed with how cute he looks.

Blake's Adventure Down South...

A couple days ago we were at the pool with Blake and we were talking to another family when we realized they were on the same flight as we were on the way down.  I realized because I was like, “Oh you’re from NY, were you on the JetBlue flight yesterday??” And then as soon as I asked I instantly regretted it because they said yes and then I was all like, “Oh….did you hear that baby who never stopped screaming…..I wonder whose kid that was…..” Blake never napped on the way down because, obviously, he didn’t want to miss anything. He did get to see the plane land over the beach though.  He was very excited.  The runway in St. Maarten is super short and everyone claps when you land.  Of course, Blake clapped as well. Fifteen minutes later he got into his car seat and fell asleep for 2 hours.

A couple nights ago we went out for pizza and Blake was excited from the moment we told him we were getting pizza.  When we got there he was a little cranky.  First, the staff at the restaurant was taking shrimp shells and feeding them to the tarpon in the water below.  They kept giving Blake shells to throw in the water and he was so happy to help.  Meltdown #1 averted.  A little while later he was back in the crank zone.  He had already taken his milk cup and thrown it on the ground, cracking it, and it was going to be a little while before our pizza arrived.  The bartender was eyeing Blake up and came in and grabbed him.  He didn’t even have a chance to think about who the stranger was who snatched him from his high chair.  She came in so quickly and confidently that Blake just went with her, no questions asked.  She spent so much time with him walking around looking in the water, taking Blake to see the kitchen where his pizza was being made, and talking to him.  He was SO happy to have made a new friend. This woman was in love with him and I think we were too when he came back with a smile on his face!  It’s really the little things in life.  Someone spending 5 minutes with your son when you are frustrated and don’t know what to do to make him happy and a stranger swoops in and is just the change he needed to take his mind off his hunger and tiredness.  We will be back to visit Kimberly for a drink.  And pie.  That place has awesome pie. And pizza.  If you’re ever in St. Maarten, check out the Pizza Galley.

Last night we were out to dinner and Blake allowed another guy to hang out with him and carry him around the restaurant.  Apparently, Stranger Danger is just not a thing for him.  We will be on high alert from now on since apparently our kid will walk off with anyone.  He doesn’t even need promises of candy and puppies.  He’s like, oh hey this guy waved to me, I think he’s my friend!  Yup, definitely my friend.

Blake has been having a blast on the beach.  He loves the sand and the water and I’m pretty sure he’s only put his little red rake down for about 15 minutes.  He even showered with it.  I also think Blake looks THE SAME as he did last year at this time.  He was only two months old then, but he still has that same little face.  He also used to nap on us on the beach.  That was cute.

I swore I’d never put anything potentially embarrassing on here but I can’t help it.  It was just too funny.  Blake made a huge discovery today.  It was felt more than seen.  He tried to see it, but his little pot belly got in the way...

Of Course You Don't Let Your Son Eat for 4 Hours, But Maybe...

Keith and I just celebrated our third anniversary. It really seems hard to believe that it's been three years since the day I woke up to rain and cried because the outdoor ceremony I had been planning for a year was in jeopardy. Fortunately the rain stopped and the sun came out in time for our ceremony and we still scored good luck because it totally DID rain on our wedding day!

I don't want to be redundant so long story short if you missed it, one of the only times I wished we hadn't taken Blake out with us was our anniversary last year. He was still so little then, and he was always good so I didn't think twice about bringing him. This year we didn't think twice about leaving him home. I love that little man more than anything in the world, but it was nice to eat my steak without cutting half of it into little tiny pieces which are subsequently fed to Blake. Typically 10 minutes into doing this I realize my own food is getting cold and take my first bite. It's great that Blake loves everything, but it also means sharing everything. Sidebar: we gave Blake blue cheese the other day. Just blue cheese on a cracker. He didn't even make a face. He devoured it and asked for more. Here's a random picture of Blake. We didn't take any photos on our anniversary because who cares about us anymore?! Really we just forgot.

 

We actually started packing early which is very out of character. Even crazier is the fact that I kept my list from last year which I amended after we came back to include every detail of packing quantities. I don't even know who I am anymore. Where is the person who throws things in as she sees them?? Usually I get somewhere realizing I have brought my entire wardrobe. It's funny because just the other day Keith said he saw something about how we wear the same two outfits every day at home but pack our entire wardrobe when we go away. Couldn't be more true. But then how about my husband who will wear his jeans a thousand times before washing them goes to Arizona and tells me after a few days that he only has one clean pair of shorts left. Excuse me, what?! Suddenly wearing shorts for a few hours makes them dirty?! Please bring back the Keith who saves money on laundry detergent. 

Anyway, I've also been cleaning my house top to bottom because even I don't want to come home to a messy house. Plus we have someone coming in to take care of Jameo so I obviously don't want a 14 year old to judge me and think I'm a slob. PLUS, what if something happened to us? Imagine people coming in to our house and thinking we are slobs when we aren't here to defend ourselves?! Now I'd be like, "but every time I put things away Blake takes them out again and I have to shove everything in my closet and the basement so my cat doesn't eat it because he will literally eat anything." Ok, the closet and basement are still messy but at least we will appear to be clean to anyone who isn't creeping in our house.

I'm not even worried about the plane this time. Been there, done that, hopefully he won't scream but if he does life will go on. I am more prepared now, plus my parents and my aunt will be on this flight so if Blake gets sick of us he can go see them. What did I learn from the last flight?

1. When traveling with a one year old just pay the $25 and check the stupid bag so you're not lugging a suitcase, a portable crib, a diaper bag, a backpack, Blake's backpack, a stroller, car seat and car seat base on the plane along with your one year old who decides the only time he wants to be still in his entire life is when you wish he would just run down the aisle of the plane.

2. Pack extra extra food and snacks. I mean honestly I'm still not packing 24 hours worth of food because that's still ridiculous but I am packing extra pouches and more snacks. We had a moment on the plane home from Phoenix where I was like, "Yes, I realize Blake is happy when he's eating but he can't eat for 4 hours straight!!!" Now I'm like, ehhh, one 4 hour binge eating session probably isn't the worst thing that could happen to him. It's all about handing him one piece every couple minutes to stretch it out. Relax, we don't over feed him.

3. Airports don't sell whole milk. After going through security at JFK whole milk was nowhere to be found. Luckily Blake charmed a bartender into filling his sippy cup. I took milk on the plane with me in Phoenix and had to get a full pat down for it, but it's better than stressing about not having something I need. Sidebar: I was thanked many times for being so cooperative as the TSA agent checked the milk, pouches, Tylenol, etc that was in my diaper bag. Why do people get so annoyed about this? I'm thankful they check me that much because I'm just hoping they are doing that to everyone. At least I feel safe!

I can't wait to be in my favorite place in the world with my favorite people in the world. Blake is going to love it. He goes crazy just being at a lake in NJ so I can't imagine when he gets to beautiful beaches how happy he will be. We keep wondering if Blake will be talking by the time we get home. I can't wait to hear everything he has to say. He is going to be so funny, I just know it. Also, I promise more pics from St. Maarten.

Life Can Wait...I'm Playing!

I called my dad on Thursday night and I told him I needed him to brainstorm for me. Our staircase goes down the back of our house and turns when it gets to the bottom. We had a gate up but without a railing on the bottom two steps we couldn't attach the gate to the bottom. That meant Blake could get up those two steps no matter what. Not only did Blake enjoy climbing those two steps and throwing a fit whenever we wouldn't allow him to play on the stairs, but he totally thinks he knows how to go down steps. Forwards. He can't. 

Saturday morning my dad called me and asked to come over and discuss the stair situation. He came up with a plan in about 10 minutes. I left with my mom to go to Pennsylvania to attend my soon to be cousin's beautiful bridal shower. Keith sent me a text a little while later with a photo of my dad constructing a wall in our house. Blake was helping because he obviously had no idea that it was being built to keep him from going upstairs. My dad doesn't waste time. It is life changing. Seriously life changing. 

 

So now I'll just add that to the list of things that need to be painted when we get back from vacation. Currently the list includes molding in the living room and bathroom, our spare bedroom, our front door...and so on. Our front door is white and we are painting it white so I'm sorta like, does that really need to be painted!?! It does, but it's just sort of low priority. Blake took Grampy out for ice cream to thank him. (Blake actually is not thankful for being locked out of the stairs, but I am!) Grampy chose chocolate chip mint which Blake was very happy inviting himself to share.

 

I actually had a million things I planned to do when summer arrived. I haven't done one. I've had a blast with Blake every day so far though so who cares??? I just feel like everything can wait. I'm not missing out on time with Blake because, seriously, this kid grows up every day. The last couple days we did a little gardening around the house to make it look presentable while it wasn't super hot outside. I know you can argue that I can't just sit around and never get anything done around my house anymore because I have a baby, but they will eventually get done. 

I know I keep saying how much more I fall in love with Blake every day. He's more than a year old now but recently I just feel like I'm in some kind of new relationship. You know when you just can't get enough of that person and you just want to be around them constantly? Who am I kidding?! I still feel that way about Keith. But I just feel like I discover something new about Blake every day and the more attached he has become to me, the more attached I've become to him. Lately when he goes to sleep he just keeps kissing me. It is THE SWEETEST. There is just nothing better that sweet little baby kisses. Also, check out his new car seat pose...

 

I still haven't unpacked. Which means I still haven't started packing. I have lists and I just did this two weeks ago though so I'm SO ready! I even found a couple apps that Blake may like for anywhere from 1-5 minutes so I'll share if they are worth it!

My Thoughts on Breastfeeding...

As I sit here realizing that Blake’s days nursing are done, I feel slightly relieved, but mostly sad that this chapter has ended.  I knew before Blake was born that I was going to breastfeed.  I didn’t think I was going to, and I wasn’t going to give it a try.  Giving it a try is the first step to quitting.  I decided that I was going to do this no matter what and nothing was going to stop me.

Immediately after Blake was born the nurses tried to get Blake to latch on and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  In my head he was going to open his mouth and suck.  That did not happen.  It took work to get him to latch on, and for days it could take upwards of 30 minutes for Blake to latch on, and another 30 minutes for him to eat.  An hour later I would start that process again.  I never turned people away from visiting in those early days, though maybe I should have.  Some days I felt like all I did was feed Blake.  Then people would come over and hold him and spend time with him before handing him back to me to eat.  I wanted to spend time with him when he was not eating.  I also wanted everyone to leave my house.  Please don’t wait for me in my living room.  You spent time with Blake and it’s going to take me an hour to feed him.  I would like to do so in private because this is all new for Blake and I and we don’t need the stress and pressure of knowing you are sitting in my living room waiting for us.  Then night would come and he would be up every two hours until I finally cried in exhaustion one night, “How can you be hungry again!?!?! Please don’t be hungry. Please let me sleeeeeeep!”

I suppose the feeling of literally spending 8+ hours each day breastfeeding can either be intimidating, or reason for people to quit.  There were nights I woke up and proclaimed, “This is the last time I’m doing this.  In the morning Blake is getting formula because I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE I’M SO TIRED.”  Keith was super supportive and knew I was not serious, but he also knows me and my personality.  He knew he was in no place to demand that I continue so he would simply tell me that he would support any decision I made.  That’s the truth.  He would have supported me no matter what.  He knew I wanted to do this and I was going to make it work and he also wanted Blake to be breastfed, but he also loves me and wants the best for me, too.  Of course the morning would come, (after a couple more feedings), and I was still going.

The truth is, I wanted to breastfeed and I had my mind set on one year.  When Blake was born he had extremely low blood sugar due to the stress of me pushing for 2 ½ hours and the poor little guy being stuck.  It was so low that the nurses had to give him some formula soon after he was born because the number wasn’t even registering when they were testing him.  The nurse came in and told me she gave Blake some formula and I almost lost it.  I was so emotional in general and this was not in my plan.  Most things aren’t in your plan.  I realized quickly enough that it was very necessary for his health.  I really didn’t want to give Blake formula, but I didn’t realize how badly I didn’t want to give him formula until I smelled it.  I couldn’t figure out what the weird smell was in our hospital room for the first couple days that Blake was being supplemented.  Finally I said something and Keith told me it was the formula.  That was the moment I decided there was no way I was giving him formula once he was done being supplemented.

The feeling of your baby eating 24/7 goes away so quickly.  I remember those days, but it was such a short period of time in the scheme of things.  I always think about how I would have felt if I quit in the first couple weeks.  I would have stopped doing the best thing for Blake because I was tired.  That feels so selfish.  Not tired for the rest of my life--tired at that moment.  Of course there’s the moments of, “will it ever get better!?!?” but IT DOES!  It gets SO. MUCH. EASIER.  And so quickly!  The way I look at it, I had a decision to make.  We have this awesome baby and I want to give him the best nourishment I am capable of giving him.  Key word: capable.  This was the first time in Blake’s little life that I was not only capable of providing him with food, but I was making a decision to put my baby before myself.

I didn’t always have it easy.  When Blake was four months old I got mastitis.  I was miserable and worried I would have to stop nursing Blake.  My pediatrician assured me that I would be fine and I continued.  I also had constant engorgement that lasted until Blake was at least 9 months old.  I seriously over produced.  I know there are people who don’t produce enough, or at least as much as they want to, and I was lucky to never worry about having enough milk.  That being said, engorgement is extremely painful and uncomfortable and there were days that I had to teach two classes in the morning feeling like my boob was going to explode before I finally had a free period and I could run and pump. I ended up with a plugged duct on more than one occasion.  The pain from that would often last for days.  I don’t want a pity party.  I want people to understand that it’s not easy.  You either want it or you don’t.  If you want it, you take whatever comes with it.  If you don’t, that’s fine too.  Like I said though, I wasn’t about trying.  Trying means I could give up, and giving up wasn’t an option for me.  The only way I was going to stop was if I truly didn’t produce milk, and that wasn’t very likely.

All summer I pumped after feeding Blake each morning so that I could build up a supply in my freezer.  I was concerned about pumping when I went back to work in September and I was worried about producing enough to feed Blake each day.  I wanted a back up just in case.  I managed to store 500 ounces in my freezer and felt really good about having extra in case I needed it.  It took the stress and pressure away knowing that Blake could still have breast milk even if I couldn’t pump enough one day.  Then one morning a couple weeks before school started, I went downstairs into my kitchen and found my freezer door wide open.  I ran over to it and the entire freezer was thawed.  Not just a little bit.  Warm.  My cat must have slipped and opened it climbing on top of it.  It was an older fridge and it wasn’t difficult to open.  I did what I imagine any woman would do in that situation and threw myself down on the floor.  I had a full blown tantrum.  I screamed and cried.  I couldn’t even speak to tell Keith what was going on.  He thought Jame-o was dead while I wanted to kill Jame-o.  Jame-o is SO lucky that I’m that one that wanted/wants him.  He would have been gone.  But I love that stupid cat so much that I threw my milk away, (actually I made Keith do it...I couldn’t do it), and continued pumping.  I stored up a couple hundred ounces quickly and a few months later when I had so much milk that I actually didn’t know what to do with it, I was already able to laugh at the tantrum I threw.

By Christmas I had over 1,000 ounces and I was not making a dent in it--only adding to it.  Fortunately my mom knew someone who needed extra milk to supplement her son and all of the milk was used by another little boy.  I tear up thinking about how happy it makes me.  I’ve never met this girl or her baby boy, but she blindly trusted me in order to make sure her son was fed only breastmilk.  I no longer felt that I was wasting time pumping to keep my supply because the milk was being used.  It’s funny when we think about things that we are proud of.  I always joke that I’m not “proud” of graduating high school or college.  I just showed up to class and did my work.  How do you NOT graduate?!  It’s not an accomplishment to me.  I am proud that I was able to provide nourishment for Blake for a little more than a year, and I’m proud that I was able to produce enough milk to supplement another little boy at the same time.

It wasn’t always easy, and often times it was quite painful.  You can’t just go out and leave a bottle because skipping a feeding is not an option.  You still need to pump.  I was in a wedding in August and pumped in my car.  I pumped in the car on the way to coach swim meets in the winter because I knew I wouldn’t be home until 7PM.  I sat in a closet with no windows at work twice a day for 8 months pumping.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I read in the middle of the night and absorbed as much knowledge as I could about everything so that I could make the most informed decisions possible for Blake.  I was determined to be the best mom I could be.  I hope I’ve done everything in my power to give Blake the best possible start to his little life.

I wasn't sure how I would wean Blake from his bedtime feedings. He was getting more dependent instead of less and I finally felt it was time. I started the timer on my phone 15 days ago for 15 minutes. Every night I took one minute away. I said I was doing it so it would be a gradual transition for Blake, but really, I think it was important for both of us. People asked me the second Blake turned one if I was done breastfeeding. My goal was to make it a year, but it doesn't just end that way. My pediatrician recommended he be weaned by 15 months, and at just shy of 14 months, I did it.

I'm happy I gave Blake the best possible start to his life that I could. Truth be told, I'm still disappointed in myself for getting an epidural even though deep down I know I needed it. And I know I can't compare myself to anyone and they can't compare themselves to me. Everyone’s birth is different. I didn't want to disappoint myself again. Honestly, it's never mattered what anyone else thinks. It’s never mattered with anything in my life. I'm SO proud of myself and I'm so happy to have such a healthy and happy little boy.

Pickles, Peanut Butter and Fireworks

It’s not the 4^th of July without Macy’s Fireworks.  I barely remember fireworks before my dad started working for Macy’s.  Probably because nothing can compare.  Last year Blake was two months old and I would have brought him to the city, but the fireworks were on the East River and the parking garage was far away and everyone made it seem like it was going to be a huge hassle.  I was upset that I had to miss the fireworks but Blake is our priority and I’m not selfish.  It probably would not have been the best thing for him. Instead we sat in the parking lot of Sears in Hackensack and watched the Hackensack fireworks.  It was easy to get in and out and at least I saw fireworks.  I had to.  It certainly wasn’t Macy’s though.  I know it’s hard to believe because if you’ve ever been to Sears in Hackensack it’s certainly an experience, to say the least.  Blake slept through them.

This year there was no doubt we were making the trip to Long Island City.  We packed up our Monkey Mat because we basically bring it everywhere since it’s so easy to throw in my diaper bag.  When we got there we set up our stuff and got on line to get some food. Blake chose a PB&J and he was very pleased with it.  Sidebar on the PB&J—I don’t even know what I would do if Blake was allergic to peanut butter.  I think I’d have to get rid of him.  Or just make him sit on the porch while I ate it.  KIDDING.  SO KIDDING.   But peanut butter is like a food group in our house so I’m glad Blake loves it as much as we do.  Blake also LOVES pickles.  He was eating them with his PB&J.  He may be pregnant.  Then last night I'm fairly certain he ate his weight in pickles at dinner.  

All was going well at the fireworks and Blake was making friends with everyone around us, as usual.  There was loud music so he was dancing—Blake was having a blast.  Then we feel a couple rain drops.  It’s not supposed to rain until later so we think it will pass.  It starts to rain a little harder and we run to hide under something.  Then it starts to downpour.  Finally it stopped and we went back out to set up our blankets again.  It drizzled some more after that and we weren’t sure if we should stay. It’s one thing for me to be soaked for an hour waiting for fireworks, but I can’t do that to my one year old.  That’s bad parenting.  Or is it?! Honestly, Blake wasn’t soaked, but he was a bit wet.  He did not care.  At all.  My mom kept asking if we wanted to leave.  If Blake was miserable I would have been out of there but he was still having a blast.  He is SO easy.  It was way past his bedtime and I was afraid he was going to be super cranky, but Blake can TOTALLY hang.

The next 30 minutes flew by and before we knew it we were counting down the last 10 seconds before the fireworks began.  The second they started Blake was mesmerized.  He just stared into the sky and kept pointing at the fireworks.  

My one year old watched the ENTIRE SHOW!  It was one of those moments that unexpectedly made me weepy.  It’s something I love experiencing each year and sharing it for the first time with Blake was something I’ll never forget.  Blake won’t remember this next year, but I’ll never forget the look on his face.  I’ll also never forget the feeling in my back as I carried Blake back to the parking garage a mile away in my Baby K’tan.  That was still easier than navigating a stroller through the crowd though. I also just realized when I uploaded this photo that Blake is about the same width as me...

We’ve been getting back into the swing of things at home.  Cleaning the house, doing some yard work, taking things out of our suitcase as we need them.  This would usually go on until it was finally empty but we need to pack again in a week so I guess maybe I should get on the whole unpacking thing.  Blake has been sleeping through the night the past few nights.  It’s amazing.  I haven’t felt this rested since 2014.  Our little man gets more fun every day and I somehow continue to fall more in love with him each day as well.