Toy Clutter is the Worst.

Lately I’ve been trying to make our house a home.  We’ve lived here two years and while all (but one) room is completely painted in colors I love, the only room that is really completely put together is Blake’s room.  I have to really think about things.  Where to hang pictures, how many, what kind of frames, what curtains, etc.  People have made comments when they are here and I used to get anxious and feel like I needed to “finish” things.  That just led to me rushing to find the wrong things and hating them.  AKA...me spending money on things that will sit in my attic.  Like my couch pillows.  Impulse buys.  Felt like I needed something and hate them.  I don’t care how many empty walls I have.  They will sit that way until I find the perfect frames.  And people can continue to look in my kitchen windows all day.  I haven’t found curtains I like.  It’s a process.  But I did get dining room frames! Ignore the glare...

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I hate toy clutter.  I was keeping it fairly under control until Christmas hit.  Commence downward spiral.  And if you know me, you know how much I love other people telling me how I should feel, so I loved everyone telling me I had to get over it because I “DO have a kid and he DOES have toys.”  Thanks, but no.  I can’t just get over it.  

I was going a little crazy but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.  Then I was off work for a week and it was driving me even crazier because I was home all day to see the mess.  Blake has our entire living room as a play area.  It’s kind of an awkward space.  You walk straight into it from the outside and it’s the only pass through from the family room to the kitchen, the stairs, the dining room...everything.  We decided a while back that it would be Blake’s playroom, (partially because I can’t decide where furniture would go in there anyway) allowing us to keep our family room intact.  Then after Christmas, Blake started to take over the family room too.  Except everything was just piled in the corner.  Total disaster.  I couldn’t think of anything to put there that would organize his toys but still go with our decor.  Finally I decided to grab some wooden crates and hang them on the wall for Blake’s trucks.  I got 4 for probably about $40, I grabbed this rug at IKEA for $14.99, I called my dad to hang the crates, and BOOM--here it is!

I’m kind of obsessed with his little corner.  It was wasted space for us anyway and Blake loves his little rug.  Here’s the before and after.  I’m going to add one more crate.  Also the before is actually neater than it usually was.  Which is scary. Because we are all understanding this is just ONE CORNER right!?!?

 

If you can tell from the photo (and you know kids toys) I love Green Toys.  They are made from recycled plastic and they are super cute.  Of course, the best part about them is that they don’t make noise.  Which is amazing.  Seriously, kids toys are made with the most annoying sounds ever.  It’s ok until you’re on the fourth hour of hearing it and you’re ready to pull your hair out.  Or you walk by late at night and nudge it in the dark and almost pee your pants.  Also, just saying, I’m all about Blake using his imagination and he loves to make noises for his cars and trucks on his own.  These toys allow him to do that without competing with annoying songs.

It’s amazing how one little thing makes such a big difference.  I’m sitting here right now writing while randomly glancing at the corner and it makes me SO happy.  I’m so much more relaxed knowing that it’s organized and Blake totally loves playing there.

Then I got this brilliant idea to take down a hand me down train table from the attic because Blake would love it and add it to the chaos (that I had just gotten under control).  I didn’t want it.  I still don’t want it.  It takes up a stupid amount of space and makes me angry just looking at it.  But this is how much I love Blake.  He loves trains.  He will love playing with these trains.  (Bonus: it’s a win-win...he either loves them and it makes my heart happy to watch him play and I can overlook the eyesore, or he never plays with them and then I can get rid of it).  Ok ok ok I want him to love it and be happy.  I’ll just keep staring into my peaceful, organized, beautiful corner…

This kid has it good.  He also needs nothing, so the thought of his birthday coming up in a couple months is terrifying.  If you’re reading this, and you’re going to be getting Blake a gift, please consider a non-toy gift.  He has more than he will ever need and he loves experiences, too.  At some point, unfortunately, it all ends up piled somewhere.  I was raised to appreciate experiences more than possessions and it’s important to me to instill that in my son.  I don’t remember what I got for Christmas or my birthday, but I remember everywhere my parents brought me and the experiences we shared together.

9 Days Off With Blake!

I had 9 days off with Blake.  9 amazing, sweet, tiring, perfect days with Blake.  I didn’t think it was possible for my sweet boy to get sweeter, but I swear he does each day.  Hearing him say “love you” just melts me.  I don’t even know where to start because, obviously, I’m behind.  I’ll try to catch up…

We kicked off our long weekend by going to open swim where Blake takes swim lessons on Friday night.  Then Saturday morning we tried SkyZone for the first time and LOVED it.  Ok, so I was getting a massage and I had to leave so I didn’t actually get to jump on the trampolines (poor me) and I felt kind of left out.  Blake went nuts and continued to say “pam-pleen” (trampoline, duh) for days.  That and brump, which obviously is how the cool kids say jump.  We would just be driving and Blake would be in the back seat yelling “pam-pleennnnn!” They have toddler time there which is amazing because it’s all little kids.  Not sure who enjoyed it more - Keith or Blake - but regardless, I’m glad the boys had fun.  (See below - I was NOT missing out on this trampoline action forever)

The next day Blake had a playdate with his friend Liam.  (Also, Blake says friend and knows who his friends are and it’s adorbs) We went to the park and out to dinner, where Blake proceeded to scream the entire time (which he never does anymore until, apparently, we are with another toddler who is being an angel), and throw his crayons on the floor while simultaneously yelling “yay-yay!” as if he didn’t know how his crayons got on the floor.  Other than that, they had a lot of fun and play really cute together.

Monday we went to the Maritime Aquarium in Norwalk, CT.  I carried Blake for most of it because he was having an “I need to be constantly attached to my mom” day, and I was ok with that.  I have to maintain my biceps so it’s all good.  Blake pointed everything out and loved being able to identify things.  It was a really fun day.

Tuesday Keith went back to work and I had to actually get a few things done.  I did take Blake to Ikea because I’m redoing a little area of our family room for him.  I’m fairly certain he thinks I brought him to a playground.  He was running around like crazy.  He also got some new stuff - before and after pics to come…

Wednesday morning Blake and I met his new BFF, Drew, and his mom, Jen, at SkyZone.  The boys jumped for two hours.  Most importantly, I also got to jump for two hours.  (Sorry bout school, Keith………….) Somehow Blake didn’t even fall asleep on the way home.  He’s crazy.  Thursday we stayed home and then visited Daddy for lunch.  Afterwards we came home and I did some lame stuff like clean the house and then Blake and I went for a walk.  He fell asleep and slept right through our plans to go to the playground with Daddy after school.  I guess I finally tired him out??? If you’re keeping track, it took almost a week!  If you haven’t noticed, it’s pretty exciting that Blake now has people friends.  Like, real, live human friends who aren’t the Guys and Dude or Bob.  This seriously reduced the number of times we have to hear about the Guys, Dude, and Bob each day, (but really it’s just been replaced with Liam and Drew).

On Friday my mom and I took Blake to the Tuttle Backkkkkkkk Woo, (AKA the Turtle Back Zoo).  I had never been there and we LOVED it!  Blake went nuts pointing out all the animals, feeding goats, and riding the train and carousel (twice each).  I had been telling Blake for a week that this zoo had a giraffe.  Blake doesn’t forget anything.  We got there and there was a sign at the entrance: “Giraffe off exhibit today.”  NO!!!!!! Ok cool, we will just ignore the giraffe situation.  Except Blake saw pictures of giraffes and started inquiring.  Mostly when Blake wonders where things are it goes something like this: “Heck raff?” - Blake language for, “Where the heck is the giraffe?” I promised him when we go back in the spring, the raff would be there, so the raff better be there!

I feel like there aren’t any words left that Blake doesn’t know.  His vocabulary is enormous.  I think he has the cutest voice, and he started calling us Mommy and Daddy, which I just die over.  I’m pretty confident that Blake knows all the things he does that I find really cute and does them all the time.  I just can’t resist his sweet little face and that sweet little voice.  Keith and I have also started speaking in Blake’s language, frequently without realizing it.  Noodles are just noo-noos now.  Crayons are yay yays.  The trampoline is the pam-pleen.  When you hear “pam-pleen” 784 times a day, it becomes a part of your vocabulary.  

Going back to work after 9 days was harder than it’s been in a long time.  He’s so much fun and I want to be with him ALL. THE. TIME.  But, without work, we wouldn’t be able to do fun things, so work must go on.  Also, Spring Break is in about 5 weeks.  Oh, and then in exactly 128 days we are leaving for a MONTH in St. Maarten.  No complaints over here...I’m living the dream.

My Name is Blake, and I Have a Problem...

His name is Blake, and he has a problem.  

Hiiiiiiii, Blake.

Blake is addicted to Bob the Builder.  Don’t worry, it’s not even like we let him watch it 24/7, but Bob is on his mind from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep.  He mentions Bob at random times, (for example: I call Keith.  I’m on speaker.  Keith asks Blake who he thinks is on the phone.  Blake responds: Bob).  He loves reading his Bob book and he identifies the characters better and quicker than I do.  Keith loves Bob too.  Just not as much as Blake.  He likes watching Bob, but doesn’t walk around talking about Bob all day.  That said, we are both known to break out in “Boots, belt, hard hat…” or “Welcome to Bob’s world, meet all of his friends…”  Which is totally fine in your living room, but not when you’re hanging out with other people.  Then you’re that weird couple who…...never mind, we’re usually that weird couple.

In addition to his love for Bob, Blake has three little friends.  It started out as only two - Keith named them Guy and Dude.  Then Blake realized that there were actually two Guys so now we have Guy, Guy, and Dude.  If you want Blake to do something, just somehow work the Guys and Dude into it and Blake is all in.  A few nights ago I wanted Blake to take a shower.

Me: Blake, why don’t you take a shower?

Blake: Noooooooo!

Me: Ok, I’m going to take a shower without you. (He has become an attachment to me so I thought this would do it…)

Blake: Noooooooo!

Me; Ok, the Guys and Dude are going to take a shower with Mommy. (I start walking upstairs, you know, to take a shower with the Guys and Dude.)

Blake: Points to himself. (Like, hey, aren’t you going to bring me? I want to shower too!)  Goes upstairs.  Stands in the bathroom and puts his arms over his head. (Hey, take my clothes off! The Guys and Dude and I are taking a shower!)

Are my feelings hurt?  No.  Whatever gets him in the shower with a smile on his face.  I still wonder who he loves more though...the Guys and Dude or Bob.  A couple nights ago we were putting Blake to bed and he started to cry because, duh, my kid never wants to sleep ever.  He starts with “Mamaaaaaa, Mamaaaaaa, Mamaaaaa” and quickly moved to “Bobbbbbbbb, Bobbbbbbb.”  Dude, I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Bob can’t actually fix everything.  Definitely not your bedtime. Good thought though.

Blake’s been tossing around new words daily.  We are pretty good at understanding him but I am having some difficulty with Mama, Jame-o, and Elmo.  Mama is obviously Mama, but now Elmo is “Ma-mo” and Jame-o is also “Ma-mo” and they both sounds like Mama.  I hear what I think is “Mama!” and I’m like, “Yessss Blake!!!” (OMG he’s so cute calling for me with those lovey eyes!!) and I realize he’s looking past me like I don’t exist because Elmo is there. I can’t complain though...he wakes up calling for me every morning and it melts me.  Except for the days I’m not there because I’m at practice.  That breaks my heart.  According to Keith, Blake’s obsessions go like this:

1. Mommy
2. Bob
3. The Guys and Dude
4. His hats
5. Trains
6. Daddy

Of course, that’s not true.  He left out Elmo.  Kidding...he loves his Daddy.  I’m jealous of how much fun Keith is and I’m thankful Blake just loves me for me because I could never compare to the amount of fun those two have.  We started watching This is Us.  I’m obsessed...cried in 3 episodes already.  If you watch, Rebecca said that without Jack she is only a 6.  That’s me.  Together we are a 10.  Keith alone is still a 10.  Me...probably only a 6.  I came home the other day and they were hiding from me behind the curtains.  It’s hilarious.  If you ask out loud where Blake is, suggesting different spots, Blake will answer (from behind the curtain) whether or not he is there.  Me: “Is Blake in his teepee?” Blake: “No.”  Me: “Is Blake in the kitchen?” Blake: “No.” Me: “Is Blake behind the curtain?” Blake: “Yea.”  Which is pretty sweet because I can play hide and seek with Blake while laying on the couch after work.

I’m very lucky.  Watching my boys together...there’s just nothing better in life. And they take sweet selfies on my phone when I'm not looking...

Clock Without the "L" Is Just...

I suppose if I didn’t write for long enough, I’d finally be able to start a post with...BLAKE IS TALKING!!!

One of his first words was screamed out in the mall while I was waiting on line at the Gap and Keith was running around with Blake.  All of a sudden Keith hears Blake yell “COCK!” Which was kind of alarming until Keith saw a giant clock and realized that Blake was pointing at it yelling “COCK! COCK! COCK!”  So that’s how we learned that Blake knows how to say “clock” but leaves out the extremely important ‘L’ in the middle.  We do what any parent in this situation would do and take every opportunity to have him say clock.

Added to Mama, Dada, and c(l)ock, we have green bean, nana (banana, obvi), beer, cheese, noo-noos (noodles), broom, star, moon, ball, done, tail, down...the list goes on.  Oh, then he accidentally learned that he has a “pee-pee” when I was asking him if he went pee pee.  So he decided that that IS his pee-pee.  Then somehow (Keith claims he didn’t teach him this) he knows that underneath his pee-pee is his “ball.”  So between identifying his privates, beer and cheese, I think we’ve got the important things covered.

The Devs started the New Year sick, which I guess is pretty indicative of the way I feel about turning 30 this month.  It’s hard enough to believe that I’m not 16 anymore, but to not even be in my 20’s is too much for me to handle.  Add that to the fact that I haven’t been ID’d at Total Wine in like, 5 years when they clearly wear buttons that say they ID under 30 - which, thank you very much, I’m NOT yet.  So I can’t even sit here and be like, OMG BUT I LOOK YOUNG, because according to EVERY EMPLOYEE EVER at Total Wine, I look like I’m over 30.  But I digress...

Christmas was really overwhelming (but totally perfect) and our house is overflowing with toys. While Blake plays with all his toys, he still wants to read ALL the time.  He loves identifying things in books and he remembers everything.  He also loves Bob the Builder because he watched a lot of TV while he was sick.  He points at the TV and yells, “Bob!” Then often proceeds to say “Bob” every time Bob comes on the screen...which is all the time because the show is called BOB THE BUILDER...like...Bob is the main character.  But as long as he isn’t watching Thomas the Tank Engine he can yell Bob all day. I hate Thomas.  

Blake still loves to bake with me (I call it “blaking” because I enjoy combining Blake with things that rhyme with his name.  I don’t know why I just admitted that) and he even has his own miniature apron.  This was one of my purchases made during the week before Christmas when I would buy something and swear it was the last thing I was buying for Blake.  Then you see a little apron at Crate & Barrel in Blake’s size and you’re like, yup, I’ll take that.  Why not add in a mini spatula?  Oh, a little toy chainsaw - Blake would love a chainsaw.  A PUZZLE.  WITH ANIMALS.  I’LL TAKE IT!  And then I’m like, ok really, I’m done. Except really the only reason I was done was because it was Christmas Eve and I had no choice but to be done because if I saw something else cute I probably would have bought it.  

So this is the part where I’m like, whoops...I let like, 3 months go by and didn’t update anything and a million things happened.  And I kind of hate myself for it.  So I’m not going to try to update three months worth because I’m not interesting enough for anyone to want to read all that at once.  Instead, I’ll attempt to update more often and stop being a slacker.  Just kidding, I wake up at 4:30 AM four days a week to coach, work a full time job, and I have a one year old. And my motto in life is, why do today what you can do tomorrow, or the next day...or the next!?

The Past 2 Months - Sparknote Version

I think about writing all the time.  The problem is finding the time to sit down and write.  Finding a time that isn’t 8PM right after we’ve put Blake to sleep and I just want to collapse.  The truth is, volleyball season has been exhausting for me.  It’s exhausting for Keith, too, but it’s a different kind of exhausting.  Volleyball means lots of late nights for Keith, which means lots of long afternoons after work for me.  I’ve missed the last, umm...2 months or so of updates and the entire reason I started this blog was for memories.  I need to get back into it.  It’s like anything though.  The more time passes, the harder it is to get back into it.  It’s not going to get easier when swim season starts, but I need to prioritize.  

Many people have asked me lately if I am still coaching.  When I say that I am, I get a lot of, “Really, with a baby???” As if, what...I’m not a good mom because I coach?  Because I should be at home taking care of my baby?  I know people don’t always mean anything by it.  That’s why I don’t say anything back.  But it bothers me.  It bothers me for a lot of reasons.  I’m the farthest from a feminist, but how come no one asks my husband how HE can coach with a baby at home?  I coached last season with a 6 month old.  Practice was late at night and early in the morning.  When my son was sleeping anyway.  I still breastfed him.  I pumped on the way to meets.  I fed him in the car on a break in the middle of our league meet.  I woke up 30 minutes early for 6AM Saturday morning practices to pump so that Blake would have a fresh bottle if he woke up before I got home.  I never missed a thing with my son, and I also never sacrificed a thing for my team.  You can do both.  This year my team will be practicing at 5:30AM 4 days a week.  My son will be sleeping.  We have 8 meets.  My husband has about 28 volleyball games.  No one says a word to him.  Nor should they.  But why ask me how I manage to do it?  I do it because I love coaching and I love my team.  I would never coach for the money, but the money allows me to spend the entire summer with my son instead of having to work then, too.  I love being a mom, and I love Blake more than anything, but I’m allowed to love coaching too.

We’ve had a busy couple of months.  Weekdays = lots of volleyball games.  Blake is, arguably, the JV Volleyball team’s biggest fan.  He travels to every game he can and makes a lot of noise in the gym.  Not cheering, just making noise.  Lots of noise.  We went apple picking, pumpkin picking, then went pumpkin picking again, baked an apple pie…

We went to Sesame Place for free.  That’s right, free!  If you are a teacher you are eligible to receive a free teacher pass good through 2017 as long as you visit once before 10/31.  All you have to do is fill a form out online and bring it along with your teaching certification.  Blake is free because he’s under 2 so it saved us a ton of money.  We went before Blake actually watched Sesame Street which was fine because I knew he would love the rides.  He did.  I was worried about the long lines, and it was a challenge waiting on lines with Blake, but the second the ride started moving he completely forgot about the line and smiled ear to ear.  He was also matching Corinne, thanks to Carolyn.

Since then Blake has started to watch Sesame Street and he loves Elmo and Big Bird.  He also has a little Elmo that he carries around with him.  Another thing Blake LOVES is the Sesame Street ABC’s.  He smiles as soon as we put it on, and there’s worse things than Blake listening to the ABC’s a thousand times.  Of course, I haven’t gotten that song out of my head in two weeks.  If you’ve never heard it, search it on YouTube, you’ll thank me later.  You know what, here it is...just watch it.  

And while you’re at it, Elmo’s Song is pretty good too…

This past weekend we FINALLY went to the Great Jack O’Lantern Blaze.  I’ve been wanting to go for years and it’s always sold out by the time I think to buy tickets.  I wasn’t messing around this year.  I set an alert in my calendar to purchase tickets the day they went on sale.  It was insane.  It was everything I hoped it would be.  Blake didn’t really understand what he was seeing but he sat in his stroller with his elephant and ate the entire time, so he was happy.  He’s become super interested in stuffed animals all of a sudden.  I think it’s adorable how he wants to bring Kermit, Elmo and his elephant everywhere.  

We also went to Zoo Boo with the Camp’s on Sunday and Blake was Clark Kent.  I carried him through the entire zoo because he didn’t want to stay in the wagon and he walks in the wrong direction at all times.  Walking around with an extra 25 pounds is exhausting, but I’d like to think my biceps are looking pretty good now.  Plus Blake doesn’t eat candy yet so Keith and I have a bag of candy to divide and conquer.

I’ve got this...I’ve totally got this.  I’ll be up at 4AM, on a bus (hopefully, long story) with 30 high school kids 4 days a week.  That’s over 4 hours a week sitting on bus - I have to have time to write!  

I'll Miss You, Blake. Commence Crying.

I just put Blake to bed knowing that for the first time in months, I will not get to spend the day with him tomorrow. A few weeks ago I thought it would be easier this year since he is older. The closer it got, the more I realized that it would be even harder. It's harder because he knows more. If I run out to my car for a minute Blake bangs on the door for me. The thought of leaving him just breaks my heart.  Our mornings will not start like this anymore..

 

I know. "We've all been there." And, "It will be fine," and "You got to spend the entire summer with him." That's great, thanks. I will always wish I could spend every minute of every day with that sweet boy. Yes, I will survive. I'm clearly not the only mom who ever worked, and I'm extremely lucky to have had the entire summer with Blake. But, no, it doesn't make it any easier to go back. 

Of course I'm feeling like the summer flew by, but did it? Arizona feels so long ago. We did so much, and we watched our little boy grow SO much. I've written in this blog 15 times since school ended. I wish I wrote more, but I love the memories I have. I'm lucky to be able to share my summer with Keith as well. It's equally hard leaving him on the first day. We spend every minute together all summer and never get sick of each other. I'm glad I don't just have time with Blake over the summer, but that we have time as a family. We have done so much and had so many new experiences.

I'm trying to be positive knowing I can run home to Blake after school and we have a million fun things planned for the fall. I'm still sad. I am excited for this school year and the classes I'm teaching. But I'm still sad.

Tomorrow morning I'll drive away from my little Blake and cry. Hopefully not as hard as I cried on my first day last year when Keith brought Blake outside on the porch and waved Blake's little hand and I absolutely lost it. I sobbed so hard that I could hardly breathe. But I know I'll cry. I know because I'm crying thinking about it right now. Moms everywhere going back to work tomorrow - I feel your pain. And everyone else - don't tell us that it's fine, or it'll be fine. It will never be fine. It's just life.

Sleep Training - Who Cried More?!

I admit it: I nursed Blake to sleep for 14 months. I know, I know...I KNOW...I wasn't supposed to do that. It's "wrong." Well guess what, when he was little I wanted to sleep too and he would fall asleep and, yay, I could sleep too. Then one thing led to another and one month led to the next and, yea, he was about 10 months old and I was still doing it. Then, because you can read anything you want on the Internet, I found some articles stating it wasn't bad so I just went with those articles that fit into my lifestyle and went on my way. Suddenly he wasn't falling asleep quickly when I nursed him at night anymore which is when I realized he was definitely ready to be fully weaned. So I weaned him gradually,(see my post on breastfeeding), and all went well. 

Except that he kept taking longer, and longer, and longer to fall asleep at night. I used to love snuggling Blake before bed but snuggles turned into head butts and jumping on the bed and trying to dive off the bed. It wasn't fun for anyone. Something had to change but, nope, for the thousandth time, I'm not letting my kid cry it out. Fast forward a few weeks and I hit my breaking point. I was getting mad at my one year old for not going to sleep. Keith and I were getting beat up every night. It was taking Blake over an hour to fall asleep. We weren't happy and neither was he. I was so exhausted. 

Night 1: I decided to put him in his crib and see what happened. After 5 minutes of screaming I went in intending to hug Blake and kiss him and then leave him. I hugged him and he was SO sweaty and I caved. I picked him up and brought him into our bedroom and cried. He fell asleep relatively quickly after that. 

Night 2: I decided to try to go for 10 minutes. Could I last double the amount of time I lasted last night?! After about 30 seconds I texted our friend Carolyn and asked for reassurance that I'm not a bad mom since I know she went through this a few months ago. I proceed to give her a play by play for the next 25 minutes. I also texted my mom to tell her about the torture I was putting my child through. After 5 minutes I went in and hugged and kissed Blake and went to lay him back down. As I was laying him down I realized his pants fell down a little. When I went to pull them up I realized Blake was just standing there holding his pants. No problem...pants are over rated. He screamed some more and I went back in after another 5 minutes. His crying wasn't as bad and I wondered if I could make it longer. Then at 15 minutes I didn't even have to think about it because Blake stopped screaming and crying. He was just hanging out looking around. 10 minutes later he was fast asleep. I was shocked. 

Night 3: My pediatrician assured me that I'm doing the right thing and I was ready for night 3. It gets better, right?! Or...maybe not.  45 minutes in Blake was still screaming. Why is this getting worse?! An hour in I was ready to cave. But then...I would have literally been torturing him because I would be teaching him that if he cried for long enough I would come. Not the intention. Thankfully PJ and Aly were over which kept me from staring miserably into the monitor for an hour.  10 minutes later Blake was quiet. I looked at the monitor and he fell asleep sitting up. That poor child was so exhausted that he finally passed out sitting there! 15 minutes later he was laying down normally. 

 

I know this is for the greater good. For all of us. But the truth is, I'm really not ready for this. I LOVE waking up to Blake in the morning. I loved having that time with him when I was working and didn't have a lot of time with him during the day. I love that time at night when Blake just kisses us endlessly. I know this needs to happen because sleep is being lost. I know this is the right time for Blake. But I also cried for so many reasons. I cried because Blake is getting older. I cried because I'm going back to work soon and I want that time to snuggle him and it's gone. I cried because I don't care what anyone in the world tells me, and I don't care what I actually know to be true, a little part of me still feels like a terrible person. I cried because I said I would never, ever do this. And here I am. Partially relieved that things will get easier. Partially fearing I'm taking the easy way out when I've never done that in the past. And partially knowing that I need to throw my feelings out the window because this IS right. But Blake is my baby. My feelings are my feelings. 

Night 4: I said good night to Blake and kissed him and he started crying just knowing we were leaving him. Heartbreaking. But...he stopped crying after 10 minutes. He was also really tired, but he was asleep in 20 minutes.

Blake only woke up one time in the middle of the night last night and cried pretty softly. (Sidebar: he also sort of lost his voice last night because he was super raspy this morning - poor thing.) I didn't go in at all and he fell right back asleep until 7:45 this morning. I found myself SO rested this morning. Most importantly though, I realized as the day progressed that I did not have anxiety thinking about bedtime. Yea, it was rough last night when he was screaming for an hour, but I can totally see the light now. I used to get so stressed worrying about how he was going to be and I feel like that is gone. That's so important because it allows me to be a better mom throughout the day. Also, a rested mom is a better mom.  

Last night I practically cried myself to sleep over all the emotions I felt. Everything from worrying about Blake crying to anxiety about starting work again and leaving him to fear that he won't love me anymore. But, it all melted away when Blake woke up this morning smiling and kissing me. I still would never tell someone to do this though. People told me to do it months ago and I wasn't ready. You know what's right for you. Despite all my crying, I know that we have made the right decision.

Now let's hope I continue to feel that way. Keith can't deal with both of us crying every night.